Sourcing the Story Beats Expert Advice Every Time

The situations we face aren't the root of our suffering or liberation—it's the stories we tell ourselves about them that shape our experience. Our perceptions and the narratives we weave hold the key. These stories are deeply personal, so no matter how well-intentioned or logical someone else's advice may be, it rarely fits. What may seem like a bright solution to them can feel like a personal critique to us. Instead of seeing their guidance as helpful, we often hear judgment in their words, sense misunderstanding in their gaze, and instinctively cling even harder to the stories that imprison us—ironically amplifying our suffering.

In coaching, we don’t prescribe new stories. Our role is far more profound. We craft an environment so welcoming and safe that clients feel free to momentarily lay their stories aside. In this pause—free from the weight of old narratives—they can see clearly which stories truly align with the person they aspire to become. This is not about being given a new story. It's about empowering clients to reclaim authorship of their own.

Coaching Techniques Help Stay at the Edge of People's Stories:

• When you feel you hold the solution, ask what solution they seek. What you think is the 'right' answer could actually be wrong. This approach values the client's perspective and respects their unique narrative, fostering a sense of trust and understanding in the coaching relationship.

• When you feel your client simply needs a new story (a better way to look at the situation), seek to understand what story they are operating from and for what reason. You may be surprised. Their narrative may be precisely what is needed and instead of a better story from you, they need better questions.

  • A client once shared his story, and to me, it sounded like a classic "woe is me" narrative. Naturally, my first thought was, "He just needs a fresh perspective, and he’ll be able to move forward." But instead of jumping to that conclusion, I held back.

    I asked him, “What narrative plays in your head when you tell this story?” And that’s when the shift happened. He leaned in, eyes lit up, and said, “It sounds like a ‘woe is me’ story, and I hate that. My instinct is to fight—to prove to myself and everyone else that this is just a pitstop. What I really need is someone to help me sort through my thoughts so I can move forward with purpose.”

    By giving him the space to uncover his own narrative, he didn’t just find clarity—he reignited his drive.