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Liberating the Individual from the Problem to Reclaim Personal Power
As humans, we have a curious habit of letting our problems sneak into our identity. At first, a problem is just a situation—an obstacle we’re handling. But if we don’t find a way to address it, it starts weaving itself into our story, shaping how we see ourselves.
Take feeling overwhelmed, for instance. Initially, it’s a temporary state—we have much on our plate. But if that feeling lingers, we start telling ourselves a story: “Maybe I’m just not capable of managing this.” Eventually, that story becomes our reality, and we shift from feeling overwhelmed to being overwhelmed. We no longer have a problem; we are the problem.
Once we become the problem, it’s almost impossible to improve the situation. So how do we break free? First, we have to separate ourselves from the issue. Creating that distance lets us see the problem as an external challenge rather than an intrinsic part of our identity. Once it’s outside us, we can observe how it tries to hook us, identifying the subtle ways it seeps into our thoughts. Then, we can create our own strategies to reclaim our power and free ourselves from its grip.
A powerful step in coaching—or self-reflection—is to help people recognize this distinction. When people talk about their struggles, they often use “I am” statements, like “I am stressed” or “I am burned out.” They speak their problems into their identity. Telling someone to “separate themselves from the problem” can feel harsh or dismissive. A more effective approach is constructing questions that separate the problem from the person.
Imagine I declare to my coach, “I’m just so stupid.” It might be tempting for her to respond with, "How do you define stupid?" or "What are you basing that on?"—but this approach often feels like she's questioning my judgment rather than truly trying to understand. A better way to create distance would be for my coach to ask, “What did you do that felt stupid?” This slight shift separates me from my problem, helping me see “stupid” as an action I took, not who I am.
After externalizing the problem, we can examine its strategies and understand how they entice us, enabling us to decide on an appropriate response. The following questions can assist in uncovering how the problem attempts to dominate and how to effectively respond.
What does your problem “want” from you? What’s its goal—does it want to avoid something or seek something?
What beliefs does it try to get you to buy into?
How does it talk to you—what tone does it use to grab your attention?
What phrases or words does it use to keep you hooked?
What “rules” does it want you to follow?
How does it motivate you to play along?
Who or what does it try to recruit as allies to strengthen its hold on you?
What does it enjoy or dislike?
How does it trick or manipulate you into giving it power?
Which of its tactics is the most persuasive?
What do these tactics prevent you from experiencing?
Finally, consider your own strategies to counteract its influence:
What personal tactic can drown out the problem’s pull?
When should you employ this tactic?
What must you prepare for it?
By exploring these questions, we can start loosening the grip of the problem and reclaiming our identity beyond it. It’s a journey from being the problem to simply addressing the problem.
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